my baby would have been 2. Monday, January 19 2009

Nate’s birthday was January 17th. 

to celebrate, i’m going to tell the story of his birth.

on January 12, 2007, my midwife put me on bedrest because i’d gained 3 pounds in a week and my blood pressure was high.  my mom had moved to Chicago the week before and we were still moving her in and getting her situated, not to mention that i was waiting for her arrival to go get the nursery furniture and other things.  so, needless to say, i did not lay in bed all weekend.  i didn’t know it then, but i was nesting.

Monday, January 15th, i went back to my midwife and i’d gained another pound and my blood pressure was fine.  she did an internal exam and found that i was not dialated.  she said to me, “You might be right, and he might stay in there for 2 more weeks.”

i went home and was supposed to be at work at noon.  by the time i got home (a five minute drive, max), i felt terribly ill.  my stomach was flip-flopping and i had that horrible feeling you get right before you have to rush to the bathroom, if you know what i mean.  i went in to work and ran to the bathroom every two or three hours, but then nothing would happen.

that night i went home and went straight to bed.  all night long, i was up and in the bathroom every hour or so.  i slept little and woke up exhausted.

Tuesday, i was supposed to work 10-7.  i went in to work, feeling better but tired.  around noon, i noticed that i was having contractions.  now, i’d been having braxton-hicks for weeks, but these were regular.  they didn’t really hurt, but i spent the next two hours timing them:  every 12 minutes.

around 1pm, i lost my mucous plug.  that freaked me out.  that was the official sign.  i was in labor.

i got a bit of a second wind after lunch and told my colleagues that i was spending the rest of the day in my office.  my contractions were down to every 10 minutes and starting to stop me in my tracks.  i finished all the work that i could and left a bunch of emails with instructions for the people who would be doing my job while i was on maternity leave.  at 8:40pm, i wrote the email that said, “i believe the time has come.  i’ll probably not be here tomorrow…”  it took me 15 minutes to get to my car and another 10 to get home.

when i got home, my mom informed me that she was going to bed. ”It’s gonna be a long day tomorrow,” she said.  i asked her to make me some tomato soup and a grilled cheese and we talked strategy.  we decided that i would wake her up after i called my midwife to tell her that i was ready to come in.

i spent the next few hours in and out of the bathtub.  i would draw a hot bath and lie in it for a while, sleep, then get up and move to the couch for a while.  back in the bath, warm it up, lie in there for a while.  finally, just before 4am, i started paying attention to the amount of time between contractions.  they were close.  3-4 minutes.  i waited to see if that was true for an extended period.  i called my midwife at 4:35am and told her that i thought i was 3-4 minutes apart.  i remember that i had a contraction while i was on the phone with her, and that she was surprised that i couldn’t talk through it.  she said, “It’ll probably take you a while, so why don’t you start getting ready to come in, and I’ll meet you at the hospital.”  okay.

as i hung up the phone, my mother got up (really to pee, not because she was worried about me).  she came in the bathroom and asked how i was.  i told her that Karen said it was time to come in. 

the emergency room door was exactly 1 mile from my front door.  even so, it took us more than an hour to get there.  i was moving VERY slowly.  we got to the hospital and they took me on a long ride in a wheelchair to the maternity ward.

they got me all admitted and put me in a room.  i freaked out momentarily because i was supposed to be having a water birth, but there was no tub set up.  the nurses giggled at me and said, “Don’t worry, there’s time.”  my mom was panicky and pacing.  Karen (one of my two midwives) put me in bed and fed me red sorbet while they took a strip of my baby’s heartbeat.

my memory gets a little foggy for a while around this part.  i got out of bed and tremendously uncomfortable.  i tried sitting on a ball–no way.  i tried sitting on the toilet–comfortable but gross.  i walked around the room.  this was when they started to put up the tub.

i remember that they couldn’t get it warm enough.  it was more like a pool than a tub (temperature wise, at least).  it looked like a kiddie pool with tall sides.  but it was SOOO comfortable to be floating in water that it didn’t matter.  my mind kind of came back to me at that point.

i remember being very alert.  asking questions about the births of my midwife’s children and the nurse’s children.  it was during this time that i noticed it was light outside.  this was also the point where i could tell that contractions were coming, and i remember that i announced to the room that one was on it’s way.  my mom said, “Get ready…it’s gonna hurt.”  i swung around and smacked her, then looked at the nurse, who was mouthing don’t say that.  during one contraction, i grabbed my mom’s sleeve and bent back my fingernail.  i said, “oh! fix it! fix it!” and my mother was all discombobulated.  then she gasped when she saw it. 

at some point i asked what time it was and Noreen (my other midwife–they switched shifts at 7am) told me that it was after 8am.  she told me that i would have a baby in a few hours and i squinched my face and said, “can it be sooner?”  she smiled.

very shortly after, i got the urge to push.  Noreen said i wasn’t quite ready.  she wanted me to dialate just a bit more.  so she put a birthing stool in the tub with me and had me sit on it.  it puts you in the position that you’re in a serious squat.  it helped.  i could actually feel my hips open up a bit.  then, all of a sudden, i had no choice about the pushing.  i was grunting and screaming, and i remember saying, ” i know i’m in transition because i don’t wanna do this ANYmore!”  that made everyone giggle.

i pushed for 45 minutes.  it was hard.  i remember when the baby was crowning it felt like i was going to rip open.  such a strange feeling.  then, there was some commotion, and my mom said she could see the baby’s head.  i remember screaming, “get it out of me!”  and my mom held my hands because she thought i was going to reach down and grab him.    Noreen suggested breaking my bag of waters to move me along.  i said no.  i wanted my baby’s birth to be completely natural.

at 9:15am i pushed as hard as i could, and i watched my little boy pop out of me, literally, in to the water.  he stretched for a second then Noreen reached down and i reached down and we brought him out of the water directly on to my chest. 

And he looked at me. 

He never cried.  He just snuggled up to me.  It was perfect.

The rest of the morning was busy with phone calls and breastfeeding lessons and hustle and bustle.  We went home 36 hours later.

no one should ever have to do this. Friday, October 24 2008

Nathaniel C. Strasser    “Nate”
2007–2008 Nathaniel “Nate” C. Strasser, one and a half years old, of Aurora, was taken suddenly Tuesday, September 30, 2008. He was born January 17, 2007 in Aurora, IL. Survivors include his mother, Melissa L. Strasser; and his grandmother, Toni-Lynne Strasser. Nate was already an experienced traveler. He loved Pittsburgh, Seattle, and had been to Las Vegas more than most adults. He loved feeding the “Duckies”, terrorizing the librarians during story time, and his monkey. He waited excitedly every day for the “bool bus” that returned his friends from school. He loved animals, especially his pet pals, “Upaneenie” the cat, and the dogs “Puppy and “Appy”. And don’t forget, he was a true Pittsburgh Steelers fan.   Funeral services will be held Friday, October 3, 2008 at 7:00 PM at THE DALEIDEN MORTUARY, interment will be private. Visitation will be Friday, October 3, 2008 from 4:00 PM until the funeral hour at THE DALEIDEN MORTUARY, 220 N. Lake St., Aurora, 630-631-5500. www.daleidenmortuary.com.

how do you recover from being dumped over the phone–from 2000 miles away? Thursday, July 10 2008

apparently, Sex in the City and cookie dough.

I called my very dear and always supportive friend Leona and told her what had happened.  Of course she responded, “Thank God! He didn’t treat you right anyway.”  Now, Leona had only met Dennis once, but like many others, had heard my stories.

randomly, i think we all know that women are much more vocal about the bad things their men do.  unless there’s jewelry involved, i suppose.  but Dennis had often fallen victim to people not liking him because of my bad stories.  women should share more good stories.  especially if you have even the smallest desire that your friends like him.

Leona took me to Red Rocks, then to a casino, and then back to her place for a Sex and the City marathon and a lot of cookie dough.

then there was the aftershock. Thursday, July 3 2008

i can’t say that i, personally, had known depression before i got fired from HDPL.  though i’d watched Dennis struggle for years, i didn’t realize the grip it could have.  i thought i’d find another job, i thought Dennis would move out to Vegas, and i thought my life would move on.

i called Dennis on a Saturday morning.  early.  i’d gotten into the habit of sleeping all day and touring casinos all night.  that particular morning he was unpleasant and demanding.  he asked how many men i’d talked to and what i did all night.  he went on and on about how i shouldn’t have moved out to Vegas and how it was corrupting me, how he had no idea what i was doing with myself.  i told him that i was tired and that we could talk later.  then he dropped the bomb:

“I can’t do this anymore.”

you know what that means.  he was barely emotional.  he said that it was too hard, that he didn’t want to wonder about what i was doing, that it was just ‘time’.  he spoke for a while.  he asked me what i was thinking.  unlike my usual reaction (because, you have to keep in mind, we’d done this before), i didn’t cry, i didn’t beg, i didn’t even open my eyes.  i said,

“it sounds like you’ve made your decision.”

and i hung up.

…and the walls came tumblin’ down. Thursday, April 17 2008

i never imagined such a nightmare.

i walked into work on a Wednesday.  normal day.  there was some tension about an undisclosed problem being handled by the Library Director.

in the past weeks, since Dennis left, my friends had held an intervention and we came up with a gameplan to lift my spirits and soften my approach and hopefully solve my work problems.  my supervisor had taken me aside to tell me “some of the staff thought i was ’abrasive‘.”  abrasive is the word of the damned at HDPL.  i can’t say it was untrue by that point.  mostly, i was in a constant state of defeat.

i spoke with a trusted colleague about a positive PR campaign.  we also had a plan.  things were looking up.  i could handle it.  there was a post-it on my fridge that said, “just keep your mouth shut.”

back to Wednesday.  at lunchtime, i was asked to see my supervisor when i got a moment.  when i found her, she said that some of the administrators wanted to see me.  we went into the HR office and i was told, point blank, before i even sat down, ”It’s been decided that it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated effective immediately.”

i was shocked.  i asked why and got stonewalled:

“can you explain further…i don’t understand.”

“it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated.“

“right, i get that, but i don’t understand…[my supervisor] told me in my review last week that some think i’m abrasive, but that’s a far cry from fired.  what did i do?”

“it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated.  and that wasn’t a review.“

“you can’t even tell me why?!  i mean, there has to be a reason?”

“it’s just not going to work.  you won’t change.  it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated.“

and so it went on.  i sat there for 10min trying to get an answer, but couldn’t.  i went to my desk, called the two colleagues that mattered most, gathered my things while the head of HR stood over me, and was escorted out of the building.

someone told me that some parents had complained.  someone said they would ‘never bring their kids to the Library again’ because of me.  to this day, i have no idea what it could have been.  aside from having a conversation with a 13 year-old girl from a conservative background about why she would (and should not) hide a boyfriend from her family, i can’t think of a single moment that i was inappropriate or unprofessional. 

i went to the Library Director the following day to see if he could be more helpful.  he was not. 

i spent a week in the same pajamas.  i drank.  i cried non-stop for days.  my heart was broken and my spirit was crushed.  i lied to my friends about what happened for a long time.  being fired was traumatic for me, and proved to be a nosedive in my generally positive life.  it’s taken years to recover, and i’m not done yet.  this is me trying to get over it…coming clean.

oh, and Dennis visited again. Wednesday, April 16 2008

after weeks and weeks of sappy emails and tearful phone calls, Dennis was coming!

i expected that he would help me get back to the goodness and light, but the truth is that that wasn’t really his role in my life.  that’s just not what he did.

he was miserable at his job, too.  and i think it was really getting to him that we were so far apart.  he arrived and we had a great time the first night.  lots of sex and ‘wow, am i happy to see you!’ 

it didn’t last.  i don’t really remember all of the details, but we argued a lot on that trip.  he was ornery and disagreeable and i was high strung because i needed everything to go perfectly.  he wanted to go hiking on Mt. Charleston and i was prickly about it.  i really made it not fun.  then it was his turn.  i wanted a dinner and dancing night and he didn’t want to dress up, didn’t want to go out, didn’t want to meet my friends.

we had sex just hours before he left and it was completely unmemorable.  we should have been filled with emotion, but weren’t.  i only remember our last kiss because it was tense.  he didn’t look back to me before walking into the airport, and, even at the time, i didn’t know if i cried because he was leaving or because he seemed happy to go.

and the walls… Wednesday, April 16 2008

by late August, i was not so enthralled with my job.  i had been hired to provide Library Services to Teens–some pretty great Teens, mind you.  HDPL had a specific Young Adult Area, one of, or maybe the first, in the State.  they made themselves out to be forward thinking, progressive. 

they lied.

i think i was most upset with the treesap-slow pace at which everything moved.  but, as in most libraries, there were bullies that strongarmed staff until they got what they wanted, there were staff that just didn’t want things to change, and there was red tape.  i don’t officially do well with red tape.  my drum corps days taught me to go directly to the person that can help you when you need things.  i had never been taught chain of command, and HDPL was mired in it. 

i was full of ideas for improving services, programs, attendance, you name it.  i learned my craft from people who were Very good at their job, and i thought i’d been hired to bring that training to HDPL.  thinking back, i now believe i was hired to prove that HDPL was not ready for or interested in the work of serving underserved populations.  live on status quo!

i started getting more vocal about the deficiencies at HDPL, and people started snipping about it.  my supervisor was ineffectual, one coworker felt i threatened her chokehold on the department, and others just weren’t as willing to put up the fight as i was.  the frustration was unbearable.  i was having crying fits at my desk.  all of a sudden, my world was filled with back-stabbers and naysayers.

and the whole time i had 30 or more teens knocking on my desk every day.  coming to see me, talk to me.  listening to me tell them that together we could make HDPL a better place for them.  counting on me.  great kids.  smart, fun kids that deserved great service.

this wasn’t what i signed up for.

living Las Vegas Wednesday, April 16 2008

i’d packed my car.  i’d had a rain-soaked, teary goodbye with the love of my life.  i watched my mother sob when i left—this time somehow different from the other 10 times i’d moved to a different state.  i had two cats in my car and hotel reservations in St. Louis, Denver, and Las Vegas. 

i didn’t leave till 5pm, so that first trip was a Looonnngg 13hrs, but i got to the hotel and zonked out long enough to tackle my second 12hr day of driving.  i ran on music and adrenaline.  i saw beautiful Kansas landscapes and my cats were really wonderful in the car.  i almost died in the Rockies and got gauged for gas (at 2.69/gal-can you imagine?!) in Utah.  on the third day, or night rather, i crossed the border into Nevada and i could already see the glow in the sky.  i was still filled with anticipation, and i had a hard time sleeping in my Boulder Strip hotel bed.

the next morning i checked out and went to sign the lease on my new apartment.  the process was annoying, because i just wanted to stretch out and chill, but once it was finished, i took my cats in (so happy to be out of their crate), went to the grocery store, and went HOME. 

i believe that, laying on my air mattress that night, fighting the giggles to go to sleep, was the most supremely happy and at peace that i’ve ever felt.  every cell was bursting with oxygen and my skin could barely contain the energy.  if you opened me up, you’d have found blinding white light.

i got up four times during the night to look at the Strip from my balcony.

a week later, Dennis came to visit.  he brought a cat with him on the plane, which was horrible for him.  that aside, we had a great time, if i remember correctly…we gambled, went out to Lake Mead, kissed at the spot on Hoover Dam that divides Nevada from Arizona, discovered Milo’s Best Cellars, spent a lot of time in the jacuzzi.  he said he could get used to living there, maybe even enjoy it.  his trip was too short.

he left Sunday night before i started my new job on Monday.  i cried much of the night, but woke up with enough anticipation to quelch the sadness.  i can barely remember my first day at HDPL.  i had my own desk.  some of the staff took me to lunch.  everyone was shocked that my car didn’t have air conditioning.  i was allowed to wear jeans and flipflops.

i went home and called everyone i knew.  all the stars had aligned and my life was perfect.

i was a changed woman.  i woke up with a smile on my face, got to work 20-30 minutes early, joined a gym, and lived Well.  i called Dennis almost every morning, then emailed him every chance i got.  i made friends who were gracious enough to go out with me to check out every club, divebar, after-hours, and buffet on the Strip.

and the answer is…my life was Good. 

it rained three whole times that summer. i learned that you have to crack your car windows to make sure the heat inside doesn’t blow them out.  we had a record temp. day…126 degrees.  i learned that when it’s that hot, the air that rushes into your car as you drive feels like a blow dryer.  i learned that the best time to sunbathe in the desert is before 9am.  i learned that it doesn’t take long to get used to everything being open 24/7.  i learned that Vegas was where i felt most at home.

my days were boring…work, gym, pool, home, dinner, read, bed.  weekends were more fun…clubs, buffets, drive-in movies.  and let me tell you something…no one loves Vegas more than the Locals. 

the big 1. Tuesday, January 22 2008

my tiny baby boy just turned 1.

1 year old.

it seems like yesterday that he was in my belly. 

We had two parties.  one in Chicago and one in Pittsburgh.  this was a difficult way to celebrate.  i don’t know if i’ll do it again.  each party was wonderful.  we had cupcakes and cocktails at one and a regular cake at the other to satisfy my mother.  Nate was mostly content if a little clingy, but should i really expect him to be working the room yet?

the drive was long on the way there, as Nate was a bit fussy, but he was fantastic on the way home.  this trip, we stayed at the house of a friend who was out of town.  it worked wonderfully.  we moved everything out of the way and just set it up to work for us.  i owe them BIG thanks.  this also meant that we had a home base for people to come see us rather than schlepping all of our stuff everywhere.

as is usually true, i didn’t get to spend enough time with everyone i wanted to see, but it’s getting easier to arrange people.

my final thought is that people are very generous to 1 year-olds, our friends are very good to us, and i am so happy to have this bubbly little boy.

   what a difference a year makes.

that last month was amazing. Saturday, January 5 2008

so i was moving across the country. 

i spent my last three weeks packing up 10 years worth of stuff.  i made a deal with myself that if something cost more to move than it did to buy, i wasn’t taking it.  this ended up being most of my stuff since i was an avid Goodwill furniture buyer.  i donated over 1000 articles of clothing to Goodwill. 

in between the packing, i was trying to say goodbye to my friends and just generally have a good time.  Dennis and i were truly in love.  we’d had a huge argument in the middle of March, which was partly due to some ridiculous overreactions (both of us).  looking back, i also think that Dennis was really uncomfortable with the prospect of my leaving.  i wasn’t perceptive enough to realize how my decision to apply and take a job across the country affected Dennis.  once we knew i was leaving, arguing was not an option.

we spent the month just loving wach other.  we spent a lot of time together.  i spent a lot of time reassuring him that we would be okay. 

there was a wonderful night that we met up after work, walked home, went for sushi, got some wine, and went home.  we had had a long standing monday night date to eat dinner, watch tv, and spend the night at his apartment.  this particular monday, we did all of those things, but there was so much love in the air.  we were intermittently watching tv, talking, and having sex.  at some point we were wrestling and i used my ninja skills to get his forefinger and thumb and said, “don’t make me snap you in half!“  appropriately, we started howling.  laughing uncontrolably.  it is one of my fondest memories from that month.

the other is of the night we actually and completely realized what was happening to us.  one of the local universities has a huge carnival event every spring with rides, food, concerts, and other fun.  they usually bring in a big-name act for at least one of the concerts.  that year it was the Shins.  Dennis and i were both excited to see them and they put on a great show.  it was a little chilly and i was standing with Dennis’ arms wrapped around me.  they started playing ”New Slang”–a song that we later referred to as “the tearjerker”–and the mood of the song moved us both.  we stood there and cried in each other’s arms.  i’ve never been in love as much as that moment. 

The last few days were a little crazy.  i was sending most of my stuff to the west coast via Amtrak and had to time it so that my stuff wouldn’t sit anywhere for too long (they charge for storage).  i stayed with my mom the last week i was home, and it was difficult to be in the ‘burbs, mostly because it meant being much farther from my friends than i was used to.  the night before i left, i had a wonderful going-away party.  you never know how much you’ll miss your friends until you’re leaving.  Dennis spent the night with me at my mom’s.  we took the last load of stuff to Amtrak in the morning and dropped him off at his apartment.  it was raining, and we stood in his doorway for several moments.  there was crying, kissing, two declarations of love, and a long hug.

Dennis later said that we should have broken up before i left.