the big 1. Tuesday, January 22 2008

my tiny baby boy just turned 1.

1 year old.

it seems like yesterday that he was in my belly. 

We had two parties.  one in Chicago and one in Pittsburgh.  this was a difficult way to celebrate.  i don’t know if i’ll do it again.  each party was wonderful.  we had cupcakes and cocktails at one and a regular cake at the other to satisfy my mother.  Nate was mostly content if a little clingy, but should i really expect him to be working the room yet?

the drive was long on the way there, as Nate was a bit fussy, but he was fantastic on the way home.  this trip, we stayed at the house of a friend who was out of town.  it worked wonderfully.  we moved everything out of the way and just set it up to work for us.  i owe them BIG thanks.  this also meant that we had a home base for people to come see us rather than schlepping all of our stuff everywhere.

as is usually true, i didn’t get to spend enough time with everyone i wanted to see, but it’s getting easier to arrange people.

my final thought is that people are very generous to 1 year-olds, our friends are very good to us, and i am so happy to have this bubbly little boy.

   what a difference a year makes.

that last month was amazing. Saturday, January 5 2008

so i was moving across the country. 

i spent my last three weeks packing up 10 years worth of stuff.  i made a deal with myself that if something cost more to move than it did to buy, i wasn’t taking it.  this ended up being most of my stuff since i was an avid Goodwill furniture buyer.  i donated over 1000 articles of clothing to Goodwill. 

in between the packing, i was trying to say goodbye to my friends and just generally have a good time.  Dennis and i were truly in love.  we’d had a huge argument in the middle of March, which was partly due to some ridiculous overreactions (both of us).  looking back, i also think that Dennis was really uncomfortable with the prospect of my leaving.  i wasn’t perceptive enough to realize how my decision to apply and take a job across the country affected Dennis.  once we knew i was leaving, arguing was not an option.

we spent the month just loving wach other.  we spent a lot of time together.  i spent a lot of time reassuring him that we would be okay. 

there was a wonderful night that we met up after work, walked home, went for sushi, got some wine, and went home.  we had had a long standing monday night date to eat dinner, watch tv, and spend the night at his apartment.  this particular monday, we did all of those things, but there was so much love in the air.  we were intermittently watching tv, talking, and having sex.  at some point we were wrestling and i used my ninja skills to get his forefinger and thumb and said, “don’t make me snap you in half!“  appropriately, we started howling.  laughing uncontrolably.  it is one of my fondest memories from that month.

the other is of the night we actually and completely realized what was happening to us.  one of the local universities has a huge carnival event every spring with rides, food, concerts, and other fun.  they usually bring in a big-name act for at least one of the concerts.  that year it was the Shins.  Dennis and i were both excited to see them and they put on a great show.  it was a little chilly and i was standing with Dennis’ arms wrapped around me.  they started playing ”New Slang”–a song that we later referred to as “the tearjerker”–and the mood of the song moved us both.  we stood there and cried in each other’s arms.  i’ve never been in love as much as that moment. 

The last few days were a little crazy.  i was sending most of my stuff to the west coast via Amtrak and had to time it so that my stuff wouldn’t sit anywhere for too long (they charge for storage).  i stayed with my mom the last week i was home, and it was difficult to be in the ‘burbs, mostly because it meant being much farther from my friends than i was used to.  the night before i left, i had a wonderful going-away party.  you never know how much you’ll miss your friends until you’re leaving.  Dennis spent the night with me at my mom’s.  we took the last load of stuff to Amtrak in the morning and dropped him off at his apartment.  it was raining, and we stood in his doorway for several moments.  there was crying, kissing, two declarations of love, and a long hug.

Dennis later said that we should have broken up before i left.   

Happy Holidays. Saturday, January 5 2008

so what’s interesting about being a parent is that you search and search for ways to make your child’s life the best you can.  in my life, this means trying to create traditions for my family.  it also means trying to shield Nate from the things in my culture that i find reprehensible.

Christmas has always been horrible for me.  i’m not a materialistic person.  and i’m not a religious person.  and as far as i know, these are the two things that make up Christmas. 

so i tried all fall to figure out how to celebrate the season.  it was complicated by the fact that my mother LOVES Christmas.  she was irritated to say the least that i was even contemplating changing our Christmas celebration.  the thing is, i grew up with “Stressmas”.  there was a lot of overspending, a lot of undesirable gifts, and a lot of stomping and throwing.  i don’t want that for Nate.  not to mention that i heard on the radio that the average teenager requests over $1000 worth of stuff on thier Christmas list.  that will not be my son.

i tried calling it Festivus.  like Seinfeld.  but not.  we ended up celebrating the solstice with an evening walk.  since Nate is too young to get the celebrating part anyway, it didn’t really matter.  Christmas was still hectic and stressful.  i’ll try again next year.

New Years’ is my favorite holiday by far.  i love the hope and renaissance of an upcoming year.  Nate was asleep.  i enjoyed some champagne.

New Year. New Approach. Saturday, January 5 2008

i wanted to write this in order, but i apparently don’t spend as much time in front of my computer as i thought.

in the interest of actually getting to the stuff i want to get to, i’m starting the new year with the story of my son.

i’m sorry if this disrupts your reading. 

who gives a job to someone like that?! Saturday, January 5 2008

i wore a great suit.  i had a portfolio.  i had energy and drive.  i had also had a few drinks.

i walked into the conference room and there was a hawk mascot uniform on the chair beside the one designated for me.  i asked the ladies, “will he be asking the hard questions?”  there was laughter.  good start.  the ladies who interviewed me ended up to be the youth services department head, the branch manager, and the adult services department head.  fortunately, they laughed at my quip.

now, i wasn’t drunk by any means, but i was relaxed.  the alcohol had, in fact, lowered my inhibitions.  it’s also worth mentioning that i was COMPLETELY convinced that i wouldn’t get this job.  the challenges of the previous few days told me that i wasn’t together enough to pull off a successful interview.  and because i was so convinced, i decided that this interview would be a learning experience: what kind of questions would be asked?  what does a professional interview look like?  how could i better prepare for the next one?

i went in with nothing to lose.

i don’t remember all of the questions…it all moved to fast.  what i do remember is that when they asked me about programming ideas, i told them that i’d been on a “bender”.  i remember that when they asked me how i would handle someone looking at porn in the Teen area, i responded, “i would card them.”  i remember telling them that i was excited to live the “Vegas Life”, whatever that means.  when they asked me for my final statement, i told them they wouldn’t find a more enthusiastic candidate, that i was surely lacking experience, but i’d sure try hard.

they were stonefaced.  i didn’t feel any chemistry, which is why i should’ve known it wasn’t meant to be.