…and the walls came tumblin’ down. Thursday, April 17 2008

i never imagined such a nightmare.

i walked into work on a Wednesday.  normal day.  there was some tension about an undisclosed problem being handled by the Library Director.

in the past weeks, since Dennis left, my friends had held an intervention and we came up with a gameplan to lift my spirits and soften my approach and hopefully solve my work problems.  my supervisor had taken me aside to tell me “some of the staff thought i was ’abrasive‘.”  abrasive is the word of the damned at HDPL.  i can’t say it was untrue by that point.  mostly, i was in a constant state of defeat.

i spoke with a trusted colleague about a positive PR campaign.  we also had a plan.  things were looking up.  i could handle it.  there was a post-it on my fridge that said, “just keep your mouth shut.”

back to Wednesday.  at lunchtime, i was asked to see my supervisor when i got a moment.  when i found her, she said that some of the administrators wanted to see me.  we went into the HR office and i was told, point blank, before i even sat down, ”It’s been decided that it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated effective immediately.”

i was shocked.  i asked why and got stonewalled:

“can you explain further…i don’t understand.”

“it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated.“

“right, i get that, but i don’t understand…[my supervisor] told me in my review last week that some think i’m abrasive, but that’s a far cry from fired.  what did i do?”

“it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated.  and that wasn’t a review.“

“you can’t even tell me why?!  i mean, there has to be a reason?”

“it’s just not going to work.  you won’t change.  it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated.“

and so it went on.  i sat there for 10min trying to get an answer, but couldn’t.  i went to my desk, called the two colleagues that mattered most, gathered my things while the head of HR stood over me, and was escorted out of the building.

someone told me that some parents had complained.  someone said they would ‘never bring their kids to the Library again’ because of me.  to this day, i have no idea what it could have been.  aside from having a conversation with a 13 year-old girl from a conservative background about why she would (and should not) hide a boyfriend from her family, i can’t think of a single moment that i was inappropriate or unprofessional. 

i went to the Library Director the following day to see if he could be more helpful.  he was not. 

i spent a week in the same pajamas.  i drank.  i cried non-stop for days.  my heart was broken and my spirit was crushed.  i lied to my friends about what happened for a long time.  being fired was traumatic for me, and proved to be a nosedive in my generally positive life.  it’s taken years to recover, and i’m not done yet.  this is me trying to get over it…coming clean.

oh, and Dennis visited again. Wednesday, April 16 2008

after weeks and weeks of sappy emails and tearful phone calls, Dennis was coming!

i expected that he would help me get back to the goodness and light, but the truth is that that wasn’t really his role in my life.  that’s just not what he did.

he was miserable at his job, too.  and i think it was really getting to him that we were so far apart.  he arrived and we had a great time the first night.  lots of sex and ‘wow, am i happy to see you!’ 

it didn’t last.  i don’t really remember all of the details, but we argued a lot on that trip.  he was ornery and disagreeable and i was high strung because i needed everything to go perfectly.  he wanted to go hiking on Mt. Charleston and i was prickly about it.  i really made it not fun.  then it was his turn.  i wanted a dinner and dancing night and he didn’t want to dress up, didn’t want to go out, didn’t want to meet my friends.

we had sex just hours before he left and it was completely unmemorable.  we should have been filled with emotion, but weren’t.  i only remember our last kiss because it was tense.  he didn’t look back to me before walking into the airport, and, even at the time, i didn’t know if i cried because he was leaving or because he seemed happy to go.

and the walls… Wednesday, April 16 2008

by late August, i was not so enthralled with my job.  i had been hired to provide Library Services to Teens–some pretty great Teens, mind you.  HDPL had a specific Young Adult Area, one of, or maybe the first, in the State.  they made themselves out to be forward thinking, progressive. 

they lied.

i think i was most upset with the treesap-slow pace at which everything moved.  but, as in most libraries, there were bullies that strongarmed staff until they got what they wanted, there were staff that just didn’t want things to change, and there was red tape.  i don’t officially do well with red tape.  my drum corps days taught me to go directly to the person that can help you when you need things.  i had never been taught chain of command, and HDPL was mired in it. 

i was full of ideas for improving services, programs, attendance, you name it.  i learned my craft from people who were Very good at their job, and i thought i’d been hired to bring that training to HDPL.  thinking back, i now believe i was hired to prove that HDPL was not ready for or interested in the work of serving underserved populations.  live on status quo!

i started getting more vocal about the deficiencies at HDPL, and people started snipping about it.  my supervisor was ineffectual, one coworker felt i threatened her chokehold on the department, and others just weren’t as willing to put up the fight as i was.  the frustration was unbearable.  i was having crying fits at my desk.  all of a sudden, my world was filled with back-stabbers and naysayers.

and the whole time i had 30 or more teens knocking on my desk every day.  coming to see me, talk to me.  listening to me tell them that together we could make HDPL a better place for them.  counting on me.  great kids.  smart, fun kids that deserved great service.

this wasn’t what i signed up for.

living Las Vegas Wednesday, April 16 2008

i’d packed my car.  i’d had a rain-soaked, teary goodbye with the love of my life.  i watched my mother sob when i left—this time somehow different from the other 10 times i’d moved to a different state.  i had two cats in my car and hotel reservations in St. Louis, Denver, and Las Vegas. 

i didn’t leave till 5pm, so that first trip was a Looonnngg 13hrs, but i got to the hotel and zonked out long enough to tackle my second 12hr day of driving.  i ran on music and adrenaline.  i saw beautiful Kansas landscapes and my cats were really wonderful in the car.  i almost died in the Rockies and got gauged for gas (at 2.69/gal-can you imagine?!) in Utah.  on the third day, or night rather, i crossed the border into Nevada and i could already see the glow in the sky.  i was still filled with anticipation, and i had a hard time sleeping in my Boulder Strip hotel bed.

the next morning i checked out and went to sign the lease on my new apartment.  the process was annoying, because i just wanted to stretch out and chill, but once it was finished, i took my cats in (so happy to be out of their crate), went to the grocery store, and went HOME. 

i believe that, laying on my air mattress that night, fighting the giggles to go to sleep, was the most supremely happy and at peace that i’ve ever felt.  every cell was bursting with oxygen and my skin could barely contain the energy.  if you opened me up, you’d have found blinding white light.

i got up four times during the night to look at the Strip from my balcony.

a week later, Dennis came to visit.  he brought a cat with him on the plane, which was horrible for him.  that aside, we had a great time, if i remember correctly…we gambled, went out to Lake Mead, kissed at the spot on Hoover Dam that divides Nevada from Arizona, discovered Milo’s Best Cellars, spent a lot of time in the jacuzzi.  he said he could get used to living there, maybe even enjoy it.  his trip was too short.

he left Sunday night before i started my new job on Monday.  i cried much of the night, but woke up with enough anticipation to quelch the sadness.  i can barely remember my first day at HDPL.  i had my own desk.  some of the staff took me to lunch.  everyone was shocked that my car didn’t have air conditioning.  i was allowed to wear jeans and flipflops.

i went home and called everyone i knew.  all the stars had aligned and my life was perfect.

i was a changed woman.  i woke up with a smile on my face, got to work 20-30 minutes early, joined a gym, and lived Well.  i called Dennis almost every morning, then emailed him every chance i got.  i made friends who were gracious enough to go out with me to check out every club, divebar, after-hours, and buffet on the Strip.

and the answer is…my life was Good. 

it rained three whole times that summer. i learned that you have to crack your car windows to make sure the heat inside doesn’t blow them out.  we had a record temp. day…126 degrees.  i learned that when it’s that hot, the air that rushes into your car as you drive feels like a blow dryer.  i learned that the best time to sunbathe in the desert is before 9am.  i learned that it doesn’t take long to get used to everything being open 24/7.  i learned that Vegas was where i felt most at home.

my days were boring…work, gym, pool, home, dinner, read, bed.  weekends were more fun…clubs, buffets, drive-in movies.  and let me tell you something…no one loves Vegas more than the Locals.