…and the walls came tumblin’ down. Thursday, April 17 2008

i never imagined such a nightmare.

i walked into work on a Wednesday.  normal day.  there was some tension about an undisclosed problem being handled by the Library Director.

in the past weeks, since Dennis left, my friends had held an intervention and we came up with a gameplan to lift my spirits and soften my approach and hopefully solve my work problems.  my supervisor had taken me aside to tell me “some of the staff thought i was ’abrasive‘.”  abrasive is the word of the damned at HDPL.  i can’t say it was untrue by that point.  mostly, i was in a constant state of defeat.

i spoke with a trusted colleague about a positive PR campaign.  we also had a plan.  things were looking up.  i could handle it.  there was a post-it on my fridge that said, “just keep your mouth shut.”

back to Wednesday.  at lunchtime, i was asked to see my supervisor when i got a moment.  when i found her, she said that some of the administrators wanted to see me.  we went into the HR office and i was told, point blank, before i even sat down, ”It’s been decided that it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated effective immediately.”

i was shocked.  i asked why and got stonewalled:

“can you explain further…i don’t understand.”

“it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated.“

“right, i get that, but i don’t understand…[my supervisor] told me in my review last week that some think i’m abrasive, but that’s a far cry from fired.  what did i do?”

“it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated.  and that wasn’t a review.“

“you can’t even tell me why?!  i mean, there has to be a reason?”

“it’s just not going to work.  you won’t change.  it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated.“

and so it went on.  i sat there for 10min trying to get an answer, but couldn’t.  i went to my desk, called the two colleagues that mattered most, gathered my things while the head of HR stood over me, and was escorted out of the building.

someone told me that some parents had complained.  someone said they would ‘never bring their kids to the Library again’ because of me.  to this day, i have no idea what it could have been.  aside from having a conversation with a 13 year-old girl from a conservative background about why she would (and should not) hide a boyfriend from her family, i can’t think of a single moment that i was inappropriate or unprofessional. 

i went to the Library Director the following day to see if he could be more helpful.  he was not. 

i spent a week in the same pajamas.  i drank.  i cried non-stop for days.  my heart was broken and my spirit was crushed.  i lied to my friends about what happened for a long time.  being fired was traumatic for me, and proved to be a nosedive in my generally positive life.  it’s taken years to recover, and i’m not done yet.  this is me trying to get over it…coming clean.

and the walls… Wednesday, April 16 2008

by late August, i was not so enthralled with my job.  i had been hired to provide Library Services to Teens–some pretty great Teens, mind you.  HDPL had a specific Young Adult Area, one of, or maybe the first, in the State.  they made themselves out to be forward thinking, progressive. 

they lied.

i think i was most upset with the treesap-slow pace at which everything moved.  but, as in most libraries, there were bullies that strongarmed staff until they got what they wanted, there were staff that just didn’t want things to change, and there was red tape.  i don’t officially do well with red tape.  my drum corps days taught me to go directly to the person that can help you when you need things.  i had never been taught chain of command, and HDPL was mired in it. 

i was full of ideas for improving services, programs, attendance, you name it.  i learned my craft from people who were Very good at their job, and i thought i’d been hired to bring that training to HDPL.  thinking back, i now believe i was hired to prove that HDPL was not ready for or interested in the work of serving underserved populations.  live on status quo!

i started getting more vocal about the deficiencies at HDPL, and people started snipping about it.  my supervisor was ineffectual, one coworker felt i threatened her chokehold on the department, and others just weren’t as willing to put up the fight as i was.  the frustration was unbearable.  i was having crying fits at my desk.  all of a sudden, my world was filled with back-stabbers and naysayers.

and the whole time i had 30 or more teens knocking on my desk every day.  coming to see me, talk to me.  listening to me tell them that together we could make HDPL a better place for them.  counting on me.  great kids.  smart, fun kids that deserved great service.

this wasn’t what i signed up for.

who gives a job to someone like that?! Saturday, January 5 2008

i wore a great suit.  i had a portfolio.  i had energy and drive.  i had also had a few drinks.

i walked into the conference room and there was a hawk mascot uniform on the chair beside the one designated for me.  i asked the ladies, “will he be asking the hard questions?”  there was laughter.  good start.  the ladies who interviewed me ended up to be the youth services department head, the branch manager, and the adult services department head.  fortunately, they laughed at my quip.

now, i wasn’t drunk by any means, but i was relaxed.  the alcohol had, in fact, lowered my inhibitions.  it’s also worth mentioning that i was COMPLETELY convinced that i wouldn’t get this job.  the challenges of the previous few days told me that i wasn’t together enough to pull off a successful interview.  and because i was so convinced, i decided that this interview would be a learning experience: what kind of questions would be asked?  what does a professional interview look like?  how could i better prepare for the next one?

i went in with nothing to lose.

i don’t remember all of the questions…it all moved to fast.  what i do remember is that when they asked me about programming ideas, i told them that i’d been on a “bender”.  i remember that when they asked me how i would handle someone looking at porn in the Teen area, i responded, “i would card them.”  i remember telling them that i was excited to live the “Vegas Life”, whatever that means.  when they asked me for my final statement, i told them they wouldn’t find a more enthusiastic candidate, that i was surely lacking experience, but i’d sure try hard.

they were stonefaced.  i didn’t feel any chemistry, which is why i should’ve known it wasn’t meant to be. 

the next year is a whirlwind. Saturday, November 17 2007

did i mention that i adored Las Vegas?

let me put it this way: it was one year, to the day, until i moved to Vegas. 

in the meantime, i visited the Valley five times.  it was the only destination Dennis and i went to for a year.

but first, i went to Seattle.  alone.  Rick lived in Seattle.  so does my friend Alan, but i didn’t really go there to see him.  actually, i went there to see the Pixies.  the Pixies were playing Bumbershoot that year, and having never seen them, i thought, “what an opportunity!“  wink, wink.  Bumbershoot is a great festival, a really neat experience if you’ve never been.  lots of music, art, lit stuff, and food.

anyway.  i left the tuesday before Labor Day and stayed the night at Alan’s.  i woke up the next day and picked up my rental car to drive out to the ocean.  at that point, i’d never seen the Pacific and was really excited about it.  i didn’t get what i expected, but it was beautiful.  breathtaking.  i stopped in Port Angeles and admired the small town before trekking out to the far end of the peninsula.  I walked the long stretch of beach, joined in an oceanfront bonfire, snapped some pictures, and camped out in the car (illegally).  you’re supposed to stay inland incase there would be a tsunami–oh yeah, tsunami.  who knew that was even an option in the contigious 48?  i didn’t.  the next day i hiked some trails and ended up on Second Beach, one of the most beautiful places on Earth.  i stopped in Forks, a reservation town, before heading back.  on the way home, i decided to check in at Hurricane Ridge.  Hurricane Ridge is this neat place in the Olympic Mountains where if you look one way, you see the ocean, and the other way, there’s a glacier and some beautiful mountains.  it was awe inspiring.  the whole trip made me think i could be a granola girl.  i couldn’t.  but this trip made me want to be.

Rick has his own post.  He was still weird on this trip, but whatever.

i went back to Seattle and did Bumbershoot.  The Pixies were amazing.  this trip changed my life.

i went home and started a new job managing a coffeeshop.  Dennis and i also made arrangements for me to go back to Library School.  I had to take some time off because of tuition issues, and Dennis agreed to lend me the money to be able to go back.  i owe my career to him.  thanks. 

the fall went quickly.  there were two trips to Vegas, the holidays, and other good times. 

in January of 2005, i started my last semester of Library School.  in February, Dennis and i were trying to decide on a destination for spring break.  i, of course, wanted to go to Vegas.  Dennis did not.  we looked into some other destinations.  in the meantime, i found a job posting for a Young Adult Librarian position in Henderson (near Las Vegas).  i couldn’t believe the serendipity.  everyone i knew said it was fate, so i applied. 

Henderson called and wanted to interview me.  i was thrilled.  dennis was only upset because it meant that we had to go to Vegas for spring break, which coincided with my interview.  we compromised by deciding to drive out to Cali to visit his cousin.  Dennis loves California.  i, at the time, really did not, but i knew how disappointed he was about having to go back to Vegas again.

the trip happened in early March.  the weather was fantastic.  the trip to Cali was short and sweet.  we got lost on the way home.  now, the sad part is that from L.A. to Vegas, there are really only two roads, but i think we were too busy looking at the scenery.  getting lost sucks.  this particular version of getting lost caused a HUGE argument between Dennis and i.   such an argument that we didn’t speak the rest of the drive and he went straight to the casino when we got back.  i went to Kinko’s to put together my portfolio and got lost on the way back.  i was so exasperated by the time i got back to the hotel that i was in tears…i was convinced that i wasn’t going to get the job.  all of the getting lost translated in my mind to being inept.  Dennis tried to comfort me and we went out that night.

the next morning, i was supposed to get a massage–i thought it would help me relax for the interview–but someone didn’t put me in the appointment book, so i was denied.  at that point, i was so convinced that fate was against me that i went to the casino and played slots (for the free drinks).  i had several drinks, went up to the room, and got ready for an interview.

in my opinion, i bombed the interview.  see aside, ‘who gives a job to someone like that?’

we went home and i was devistated.  Dennis didn’t really tell me what he thought about it.  knowing what i know now, he was probably relieved.  that being said, i got word from my references that they were being called.  i spent two weeks with my fingers and toes crossed.  HDPL called to offer me the job on March 28, 2005.  i took the call in my car.  incase you had any doubt, i said yes.

Dennis pretended to be happy when i told him that i’d gotten the job.  Later, he told me that he was nervous about a long distance relationship.  i wasn’t worried…we’d been together for six years.  we could handle it.

i was moving in a little over a month.