then there was the aftershock. Thursday, July 3 2008

i can’t say that i, personally, had known depression before i got fired from HDPL.  though i’d watched Dennis struggle for years, i didn’t realize the grip it could have.  i thought i’d find another job, i thought Dennis would move out to Vegas, and i thought my life would move on.

i called Dennis on a Saturday morning.  early.  i’d gotten into the habit of sleeping all day and touring casinos all night.  that particular morning he was unpleasant and demanding.  he asked how many men i’d talked to and what i did all night.  he went on and on about how i shouldn’t have moved out to Vegas and how it was corrupting me, how he had no idea what i was doing with myself.  i told him that i was tired and that we could talk later.  then he dropped the bomb:

“I can’t do this anymore.”

you know what that means.  he was barely emotional.  he said that it was too hard, that he didn’t want to wonder about what i was doing, that it was just ‘time’.  he spoke for a while.  he asked me what i was thinking.  unlike my usual reaction (because, you have to keep in mind, we’d done this before), i didn’t cry, i didn’t beg, i didn’t even open my eyes.  i said,

“it sounds like you’ve made your decision.”

and i hung up.

…and the walls came tumblin’ down. Thursday, April 17 2008

i never imagined such a nightmare.

i walked into work on a Wednesday.  normal day.  there was some tension about an undisclosed problem being handled by the Library Director.

in the past weeks, since Dennis left, my friends had held an intervention and we came up with a gameplan to lift my spirits and soften my approach and hopefully solve my work problems.  my supervisor had taken me aside to tell me “some of the staff thought i was ’abrasive‘.”  abrasive is the word of the damned at HDPL.  i can’t say it was untrue by that point.  mostly, i was in a constant state of defeat.

i spoke with a trusted colleague about a positive PR campaign.  we also had a plan.  things were looking up.  i could handle it.  there was a post-it on my fridge that said, “just keep your mouth shut.”

back to Wednesday.  at lunchtime, i was asked to see my supervisor when i got a moment.  when i found her, she said that some of the administrators wanted to see me.  we went into the HR office and i was told, point blank, before i even sat down, ”It’s been decided that it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated effective immediately.”

i was shocked.  i asked why and got stonewalled:

“can you explain further…i don’t understand.”

“it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated.“

“right, i get that, but i don’t understand…[my supervisor] told me in my review last week that some think i’m abrasive, but that’s a far cry from fired.  what did i do?”

“it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated.  and that wasn’t a review.“

“you can’t even tell me why?!  i mean, there has to be a reason?”

“it’s just not going to work.  you won’t change.  it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated.“

and so it went on.  i sat there for 10min trying to get an answer, but couldn’t.  i went to my desk, called the two colleagues that mattered most, gathered my things while the head of HR stood over me, and was escorted out of the building.

someone told me that some parents had complained.  someone said they would ‘never bring their kids to the Library again’ because of me.  to this day, i have no idea what it could have been.  aside from having a conversation with a 13 year-old girl from a conservative background about why she would (and should not) hide a boyfriend from her family, i can’t think of a single moment that i was inappropriate or unprofessional. 

i went to the Library Director the following day to see if he could be more helpful.  he was not. 

i spent a week in the same pajamas.  i drank.  i cried non-stop for days.  my heart was broken and my spirit was crushed.  i lied to my friends about what happened for a long time.  being fired was traumatic for me, and proved to be a nosedive in my generally positive life.  it’s taken years to recover, and i’m not done yet.  this is me trying to get over it…coming clean.

Happy Holidays. Saturday, January 5 2008

so what’s interesting about being a parent is that you search and search for ways to make your child’s life the best you can.  in my life, this means trying to create traditions for my family.  it also means trying to shield Nate from the things in my culture that i find reprehensible.

Christmas has always been horrible for me.  i’m not a materialistic person.  and i’m not a religious person.  and as far as i know, these are the two things that make up Christmas. 

so i tried all fall to figure out how to celebrate the season.  it was complicated by the fact that my mother LOVES Christmas.  she was irritated to say the least that i was even contemplating changing our Christmas celebration.  the thing is, i grew up with “Stressmas”.  there was a lot of overspending, a lot of undesirable gifts, and a lot of stomping and throwing.  i don’t want that for Nate.  not to mention that i heard on the radio that the average teenager requests over $1000 worth of stuff on thier Christmas list.  that will not be my son.

i tried calling it Festivus.  like Seinfeld.  but not.  we ended up celebrating the solstice with an evening walk.  since Nate is too young to get the celebrating part anyway, it didn’t really matter.  Christmas was still hectic and stressful.  i’ll try again next year.

New Years’ is my favorite holiday by far.  i love the hope and renaissance of an upcoming year.  Nate was asleep.  i enjoyed some champagne.

New Year. New Approach. Saturday, January 5 2008

i wanted to write this in order, but i apparently don’t spend as much time in front of my computer as i thought.

in the interest of actually getting to the stuff i want to get to, i’m starting the new year with the story of my son.

i’m sorry if this disrupts your reading.