…and the walls came tumblin’ down. Thursday, April 17 2008

i never imagined such a nightmare.

i walked into work on a Wednesday.  normal day.  there was some tension about an undisclosed problem being handled by the Library Director.

in the past weeks, since Dennis left, my friends had held an intervention and we came up with a gameplan to lift my spirits and soften my approach and hopefully solve my work problems.  my supervisor had taken me aside to tell me “some of the staff thought i was ’abrasive‘.”  abrasive is the word of the damned at HDPL.  i can’t say it was untrue by that point.  mostly, i was in a constant state of defeat.

i spoke with a trusted colleague about a positive PR campaign.  we also had a plan.  things were looking up.  i could handle it.  there was a post-it on my fridge that said, “just keep your mouth shut.”

back to Wednesday.  at lunchtime, i was asked to see my supervisor when i got a moment.  when i found her, she said that some of the administrators wanted to see me.  we went into the HR office and i was told, point blank, before i even sat down, ”It’s been decided that it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated effective immediately.”

i was shocked.  i asked why and got stonewalled:

“can you explain further…i don’t understand.”

“it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated.“

“right, i get that, but i don’t understand…[my supervisor] told me in my review last week that some think i’m abrasive, but that’s a far cry from fired.  what did i do?”

“it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated.  and that wasn’t a review.“

“you can’t even tell me why?!  i mean, there has to be a reason?”

“it’s just not going to work.  you won’t change.  it would be better for HDPL if your employment is terminated.“

and so it went on.  i sat there for 10min trying to get an answer, but couldn’t.  i went to my desk, called the two colleagues that mattered most, gathered my things while the head of HR stood over me, and was escorted out of the building.

someone told me that some parents had complained.  someone said they would ‘never bring their kids to the Library again’ because of me.  to this day, i have no idea what it could have been.  aside from having a conversation with a 13 year-old girl from a conservative background about why she would (and should not) hide a boyfriend from her family, i can’t think of a single moment that i was inappropriate or unprofessional. 

i went to the Library Director the following day to see if he could be more helpful.  he was not. 

i spent a week in the same pajamas.  i drank.  i cried non-stop for days.  my heart was broken and my spirit was crushed.  i lied to my friends about what happened for a long time.  being fired was traumatic for me, and proved to be a nosedive in my generally positive life.  it’s taken years to recover, and i’m not done yet.  this is me trying to get over it…coming clean.

living Las Vegas Wednesday, April 16 2008

i’d packed my car.  i’d had a rain-soaked, teary goodbye with the love of my life.  i watched my mother sob when i left—this time somehow different from the other 10 times i’d moved to a different state.  i had two cats in my car and hotel reservations in St. Louis, Denver, and Las Vegas. 

i didn’t leave till 5pm, so that first trip was a Looonnngg 13hrs, but i got to the hotel and zonked out long enough to tackle my second 12hr day of driving.  i ran on music and adrenaline.  i saw beautiful Kansas landscapes and my cats were really wonderful in the car.  i almost died in the Rockies and got gauged for gas (at 2.69/gal-can you imagine?!) in Utah.  on the third day, or night rather, i crossed the border into Nevada and i could already see the glow in the sky.  i was still filled with anticipation, and i had a hard time sleeping in my Boulder Strip hotel bed.

the next morning i checked out and went to sign the lease on my new apartment.  the process was annoying, because i just wanted to stretch out and chill, but once it was finished, i took my cats in (so happy to be out of their crate), went to the grocery store, and went HOME. 

i believe that, laying on my air mattress that night, fighting the giggles to go to sleep, was the most supremely happy and at peace that i’ve ever felt.  every cell was bursting with oxygen and my skin could barely contain the energy.  if you opened me up, you’d have found blinding white light.

i got up four times during the night to look at the Strip from my balcony.

a week later, Dennis came to visit.  he brought a cat with him on the plane, which was horrible for him.  that aside, we had a great time, if i remember correctly…we gambled, went out to Lake Mead, kissed at the spot on Hoover Dam that divides Nevada from Arizona, discovered Milo’s Best Cellars, spent a lot of time in the jacuzzi.  he said he could get used to living there, maybe even enjoy it.  his trip was too short.

he left Sunday night before i started my new job on Monday.  i cried much of the night, but woke up with enough anticipation to quelch the sadness.  i can barely remember my first day at HDPL.  i had my own desk.  some of the staff took me to lunch.  everyone was shocked that my car didn’t have air conditioning.  i was allowed to wear jeans and flipflops.

i went home and called everyone i knew.  all the stars had aligned and my life was perfect.

i was a changed woman.  i woke up with a smile on my face, got to work 20-30 minutes early, joined a gym, and lived Well.  i called Dennis almost every morning, then emailed him every chance i got.  i made friends who were gracious enough to go out with me to check out every club, divebar, after-hours, and buffet on the Strip.

and the answer is…my life was Good. 

it rained three whole times that summer. i learned that you have to crack your car windows to make sure the heat inside doesn’t blow them out.  we had a record temp. day…126 degrees.  i learned that when it’s that hot, the air that rushes into your car as you drive feels like a blow dryer.  i learned that the best time to sunbathe in the desert is before 9am.  i learned that it doesn’t take long to get used to everything being open 24/7.  i learned that Vegas was where i felt most at home.

my days were boring…work, gym, pool, home, dinner, read, bed.  weekends were more fun…clubs, buffets, drive-in movies.  and let me tell you something…no one loves Vegas more than the Locals. 

that last month was amazing. Saturday, January 5 2008

so i was moving across the country. 

i spent my last three weeks packing up 10 years worth of stuff.  i made a deal with myself that if something cost more to move than it did to buy, i wasn’t taking it.  this ended up being most of my stuff since i was an avid Goodwill furniture buyer.  i donated over 1000 articles of clothing to Goodwill. 

in between the packing, i was trying to say goodbye to my friends and just generally have a good time.  Dennis and i were truly in love.  we’d had a huge argument in the middle of March, which was partly due to some ridiculous overreactions (both of us).  looking back, i also think that Dennis was really uncomfortable with the prospect of my leaving.  i wasn’t perceptive enough to realize how my decision to apply and take a job across the country affected Dennis.  once we knew i was leaving, arguing was not an option.

we spent the month just loving wach other.  we spent a lot of time together.  i spent a lot of time reassuring him that we would be okay. 

there was a wonderful night that we met up after work, walked home, went for sushi, got some wine, and went home.  we had had a long standing monday night date to eat dinner, watch tv, and spend the night at his apartment.  this particular monday, we did all of those things, but there was so much love in the air.  we were intermittently watching tv, talking, and having sex.  at some point we were wrestling and i used my ninja skills to get his forefinger and thumb and said, “don’t make me snap you in half!“  appropriately, we started howling.  laughing uncontrolably.  it is one of my fondest memories from that month.

the other is of the night we actually and completely realized what was happening to us.  one of the local universities has a huge carnival event every spring with rides, food, concerts, and other fun.  they usually bring in a big-name act for at least one of the concerts.  that year it was the Shins.  Dennis and i were both excited to see them and they put on a great show.  it was a little chilly and i was standing with Dennis’ arms wrapped around me.  they started playing ”New Slang”–a song that we later referred to as “the tearjerker”–and the mood of the song moved us both.  we stood there and cried in each other’s arms.  i’ve never been in love as much as that moment. 

The last few days were a little crazy.  i was sending most of my stuff to the west coast via Amtrak and had to time it so that my stuff wouldn’t sit anywhere for too long (they charge for storage).  i stayed with my mom the last week i was home, and it was difficult to be in the ‘burbs, mostly because it meant being much farther from my friends than i was used to.  the night before i left, i had a wonderful going-away party.  you never know how much you’ll miss your friends until you’re leaving.  Dennis spent the night with me at my mom’s.  we took the last load of stuff to Amtrak in the morning and dropped him off at his apartment.  it was raining, and we stood in his doorway for several moments.  there was crying, kissing, two declarations of love, and a long hug.

Dennis later said that we should have broken up before i left.   

the Biggest trick. Saturday, November 17 2007

during that first trip to Vegas, i had a moment of profound change.  that night i called it the biggest trick ever played on me.

we were at Seven, sitting on the patio, and the bouncers started going around to tell everyone that they were closing up the patio.  every one of us at the table thought they were just preparing to close the club.  we went inside and danced for a while before trying to figure out what to do next.

who knows how long we danced…we had no sense of time.  we decided to go to another club.  we headed for the door.  when the bouncer said goodnight, he opened the door.  the sun was up.  and i don’t mean that it was light out.  the sun was midsky.  it was the drugs, but i was utterly amazed.  where did the time go?

as we walked down the Strip, i realized that they weren’t closing the patio to prepare for anything…they sent us inside so we wouldn’t know that it was morning.  somehow, i felt violated…but in a good way.  kinda.

i truly believe that this was the moment i fell in love with Vegas.  there was something about the obviousness of it, the blatent masquerade.  the infliction of hedonism.  Vegas was seedy underneath that glamorous sheen, and i loved it.

the next year is a whirlwind. Saturday, November 17 2007

did i mention that i adored Las Vegas?

let me put it this way: it was one year, to the day, until i moved to Vegas. 

in the meantime, i visited the Valley five times.  it was the only destination Dennis and i went to for a year.

but first, i went to Seattle.  alone.  Rick lived in Seattle.  so does my friend Alan, but i didn’t really go there to see him.  actually, i went there to see the Pixies.  the Pixies were playing Bumbershoot that year, and having never seen them, i thought, “what an opportunity!“  wink, wink.  Bumbershoot is a great festival, a really neat experience if you’ve never been.  lots of music, art, lit stuff, and food.

anyway.  i left the tuesday before Labor Day and stayed the night at Alan’s.  i woke up the next day and picked up my rental car to drive out to the ocean.  at that point, i’d never seen the Pacific and was really excited about it.  i didn’t get what i expected, but it was beautiful.  breathtaking.  i stopped in Port Angeles and admired the small town before trekking out to the far end of the peninsula.  I walked the long stretch of beach, joined in an oceanfront bonfire, snapped some pictures, and camped out in the car (illegally).  you’re supposed to stay inland incase there would be a tsunami–oh yeah, tsunami.  who knew that was even an option in the contigious 48?  i didn’t.  the next day i hiked some trails and ended up on Second Beach, one of the most beautiful places on Earth.  i stopped in Forks, a reservation town, before heading back.  on the way home, i decided to check in at Hurricane Ridge.  Hurricane Ridge is this neat place in the Olympic Mountains where if you look one way, you see the ocean, and the other way, there’s a glacier and some beautiful mountains.  it was awe inspiring.  the whole trip made me think i could be a granola girl.  i couldn’t.  but this trip made me want to be.

Rick has his own post.  He was still weird on this trip, but whatever.

i went back to Seattle and did Bumbershoot.  The Pixies were amazing.  this trip changed my life.

i went home and started a new job managing a coffeeshop.  Dennis and i also made arrangements for me to go back to Library School.  I had to take some time off because of tuition issues, and Dennis agreed to lend me the money to be able to go back.  i owe my career to him.  thanks. 

the fall went quickly.  there were two trips to Vegas, the holidays, and other good times. 

in January of 2005, i started my last semester of Library School.  in February, Dennis and i were trying to decide on a destination for spring break.  i, of course, wanted to go to Vegas.  Dennis did not.  we looked into some other destinations.  in the meantime, i found a job posting for a Young Adult Librarian position in Henderson (near Las Vegas).  i couldn’t believe the serendipity.  everyone i knew said it was fate, so i applied. 

Henderson called and wanted to interview me.  i was thrilled.  dennis was only upset because it meant that we had to go to Vegas for spring break, which coincided with my interview.  we compromised by deciding to drive out to Cali to visit his cousin.  Dennis loves California.  i, at the time, really did not, but i knew how disappointed he was about having to go back to Vegas again.

the trip happened in early March.  the weather was fantastic.  the trip to Cali was short and sweet.  we got lost on the way home.  now, the sad part is that from L.A. to Vegas, there are really only two roads, but i think we were too busy looking at the scenery.  getting lost sucks.  this particular version of getting lost caused a HUGE argument between Dennis and i.   such an argument that we didn’t speak the rest of the drive and he went straight to the casino when we got back.  i went to Kinko’s to put together my portfolio and got lost on the way back.  i was so exasperated by the time i got back to the hotel that i was in tears…i was convinced that i wasn’t going to get the job.  all of the getting lost translated in my mind to being inept.  Dennis tried to comfort me and we went out that night.

the next morning, i was supposed to get a massage–i thought it would help me relax for the interview–but someone didn’t put me in the appointment book, so i was denied.  at that point, i was so convinced that fate was against me that i went to the casino and played slots (for the free drinks).  i had several drinks, went up to the room, and got ready for an interview.

in my opinion, i bombed the interview.  see aside, ‘who gives a job to someone like that?’

we went home and i was devistated.  Dennis didn’t really tell me what he thought about it.  knowing what i know now, he was probably relieved.  that being said, i got word from my references that they were being called.  i spent two weeks with my fingers and toes crossed.  HDPL called to offer me the job on March 28, 2005.  i took the call in my car.  incase you had any doubt, i said yes.

Dennis pretended to be happy when i told him that i’d gotten the job.  Later, he told me that he was nervous about a long distance relationship.  i wasn’t worried…we’d been together for six years.  we could handle it.

i was moving in a little over a month.

where to begin? Thursday, November 8 2007

i will not start at the beginning.  i really can’t.  it’s just too much, and it’s not really what this journal is supposed to be about.

i’ll start with…the weekend of May 4th, 2004.  this is an important weekend in my life, and this post will probably take a while.

 the important information is that i started dating Dennis in January of 1999.  we’d had 5 rocky years by this point, but we were still in it.  a few months earlier, i’d gotten an evite from one of my oldest friends to attend a group trip to Las Vegas.  Alan and his friends had been going there twice a year or so for the past few years and it had been forever since we’d seen each other as we were living on opposite ends of the continent.  i was feeling like i needed a break from the rut of workandschool, so i enthusiastically said i’d attend.

i arrived late Friday night.  late late.  i got a cab directly to NY, NY, dropped my bags with the bellhop and immediately went in to see “Zumanity”, the sexiest Cirque de Soleil show on the Strip.  Alan introduced me to his boyfriend, Darren, and we all went in.  Alan being Alan (and perhaps i could relate more of that later), he got called up on stage at the end of the show.  He was wonderful!  we left the show exhilarated.  or at least i did.  We trucked over to the Monte Carlo (the most fabulous smelling casino on the Strip) and dropped my bags.  Alan and Darren said they were hitting the sheets, and for fear of being a third wheel, i decided to walk off some of my excitement.  i think i got back before the sun came up.

the following day was lazy.  lots of lounging by the pool.  i remember a creepy guy who was hitting on Alan by rubbing his groin.  ick.  and i remember meeting Rick.  Rick is handsome enough, funny, and has a way of making you know that he’s interested in what you’re saying.  he was easy to talk to, interesting, and became more attractive as the day wore on.

the big plans for that night were dinner and dancing.  we were there to abuse our bodies with whatever substances amused us most.  for the record, mine was ecstacy.

we had a wonderful dinner at Positano?, a Wulfgang Puck restaurant in the Venetian.  Dinner conversation was delightful.  Rick noticed that he and i were the only two with red wine.  i met a lot of interesting people that night.  really wonderful people.  the night continued with a handful of danceclubs.  i lost my first $100 in 8 minutes at the Palms.  i’ve never gambled there since.  we ended up at a fantastic, no-longer-there spot called Seven.  great music.  great atmosphere.  lots of other dancers on lots of substances.

as i remember it, a man sat down next to me at the table we had conquered out on the patio.  he was foreign and a little over the top and a lot annoying.  he kept saying, “whassup dog-ie?!”  he brought me a drink, and i, being well versed in the ways of deplorable men, refused.  he contested and the whole thing ended up in Rick drinking the drink.  later i asked him if he was feeling okay.

 m:”are you feeling alright?  you shouldn’t have drunk that drink.”

r: “why? why didn’t you drink it?”

m: “don’t you know anything?!  you don’t ever drink a drink from someone you don’t   know, unless the bartender hands it to you.”

r: “that’s dumb.  why?”

m, with ‘hello?’ expression: ”because people drug drinks!”

r, with exaggerated face: “oooohhh.  do you think he wanted to have sex with me?”

m, giggling: “who knows?  you should just be careful.”

AND THIS IS WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING.

what i heard next was, “why, would you want to have sex with me?” 

i know that i heard this because i deliberated in my head.  remember Dennis?  yeah, i’d forgotten him until that moment, too.  i didn’t really want to tell Rick about Dennis.  and yet i felt guilty.  so i said, “well, i would want to…”  even thinking in my head that this statement left me a trap door incase i was too guilt ridden to actually do it.  i would want to, but i have a boyfriend.  i would want to but i just met you.  whatever.

and honest to jesus, we skipped over this incredibly awkward moment and Rick and i were attached at the hip the rest of the night.  until 10am.  in that time we danced, giggled, snuggled on a couch, and just talked.  and i’m willing to believe it was the ecstacy, but it felt incredibly intimate.

we caught up with the others, who were all playing Blackjack at the Monte Carlo.  i got coaxed into sitting down, even though i was pretty done with gambling after the Palms.  i decided to play small–$40.  i am happy to say that i turned that $40 in $260 before i told the dealer and my friends that i had to quit because it felt “greedy” to keep winning.   and yes, they made fun of me.  i still love the Monte Carlo, and truly, they have never stolen my money.

the next day, Sunday, i stayed awake.  god knows why.  i went to eat breakfast with Alan and Darren; we did some sight seeing, walked the Strip.  we returned to the hotel and i went to find Rick at the pool.  most of the groups’ flights left around 6, so everyone was starting to think about getting ready to go.  Rick asked me if i wanted to get something to eat, and, of course, i agreed.  we sat in the brewery, and he said, “so about last night.”  i cut him off with a tattered and babble-y comment about how he didn’t need to be embarrassed…that it was the drugs…what happens in Vegas…blah, blah, blah. 

he cut me off and said, “Melissa, I didn’t ask you to have sex with me.  You’re not really my type.”

OUCH!  and my very very clever response was, “well…i guess i’m the one who should be embarrassed then.  my apologies.”

nevertheless, Rick and i spent the remaining hours trying to be alone.  Rick finally figured something out and asked if he could shower in my room.  he showered.  i did everything in my grasp not to try and join him in there.  he came out, and we stumbled over our goodbyes.  i told him again that i was sorry for the confusion, and that i really enjoyed his company.  and to my enormous surprise, he kissed me.  a wonderful, sensual kiss; he even licked my lip just a little.  it took my breath away.  and he said, “i was wondering what it would feel like to kiss your lips with that lipring in.  it’s nice.”  i’m not sure i spoke.

most of my new friends left that evening.  my flight wasn’t until 7:15am the next morning.  at that point, i no longer had a hotel room, so i decided to stay awake all night that night too.  i roamed the Strip, went back to Seven (Sunday wasn’t their best night), and eventually ended up at a Blackjack table.  i think i put down $80.  i don’t know because it lasted me all night long.  at 6:15 i was on a serious winning streak.  i could not leave the table.  i told myself i would leave when i lost two times in a row.  at 6:40, i panicked.  at 6:50, i asked the pit boss to call me a cab–have it waiting.  i left the cage with $640.

believe it or not, i made it to the gate before 7:15.  unfortunately, Northwest Airlines has a policy that they will give away your seat if you are not there 10 minutes before departure.  the plane was still at the gate, but i wasn’t allowed to get on it.  i had been awake for 45 hours and i wouldn’t get to sleep for another 3.

arrangements were made.  coffee was drunk.  it took 3 flights and a three hour drive to get home. 

i was exhausted. 

and i had fallen head over heels with the City of Sin.